Thursday, November 06, 2003

It's been an interesting day. The Grim Reaper visited my grandmother during the procedure to have a pacemaker... what would be the correct word? Installed? Added? Placed? Anyway, one gets the picture. I guess the surgery was a bit more complicated than expected and the nurse came out to get permission to shock my grandmother's heart during the middle of the whole thing! Isn't that a question that they should ask before hand?

The doctor treated her very conservatively. I think he was looking at her age and not her lifestyle. Grandma is 87 and is incredibly independent still. She is mentally very competent -- actually, I really don't see any cognitive changes in the past decade. She forgets that she is more vulnerable and takes risks, but other than that, she really functions much more on the level of someone in her seventies. And she can cuss like she's 20!

But, bottom line, is that she is fine. She managed the surgery and is resting comfortably. I can almost guarantee that when the Grim Reaper made his appearance, she said "Oh, bullshit. I'm not going with you!" and sent him out the door!

Sunday, November 09, 2003

There is a theme happening in my cases at the moment - break-ups. And I'm not seeing the women going through the break-ups; I'm seeing the men, who seem to be blind-sided by the news that their significant others aren't happy. I'm not sure that they are really blind-sided by the fact, but it's still a surprise to them when their significant other says "I've had enough."

I thoroughly enjoy couples counseling. It is rewarding to help a relationship repair and strengthen and it is also rewarding to see people move out of toxic relationships. It's a difficult thing to see the balance and breaking point, though.

One thing that I've learned is that men love very unconditionally, which has been a surprise to me. But the flip side of that is that they are often blind to what is really happening in a relationship. Women saying, "I'm not happy" isn't enough to get their attention. Men need more specific messages and often times, the proverbial two-by-four upside the head. That two-by-four usually comes in the form of "I've contacted my lawyer and I want a divorce." I'm still trying to figure out why it takes such an ultimatum to get things moving toward change, but it does. I guess that unless there is a concrete consequence, it feels like things will just move on like they always have been. And that is usually good enough.

Of course, men loving unconditionally is a great frustration to us as women. It leaves little room for change, for improvement. One of the other things that I teach is that women need to be very, very specific in what they want. This is in such opposition to what we've been taught as women -- be good girls, don't expect too much, don't make demands. Don't be high maintenance.

I think it's okay to be high maintenance as long as you don't make it a guessing game. A lot of marriages could be a whole lot better if we just said what we wanted, why we wanted it and when.

Try it ... let me know your results.


Tuesday, November 11, 2003

I think that the lunar eclipse must have strengthened the effects of the moon. Yesterday was such a zoo at work -- five new assessments in one day. That is a record. And recovering from bronchitis made it all the more challenging.

New assessments take a lot of finesse. There are difficult questions to ask and I always preface the questions by letting people know they are difficult questions; it seems to help. My youngest new client was four, my oldest 52. Amazingly, I had three 38 year old men. Kinda odd.

I have a few divorce cases that I'm doing right now for a lawyer friend. I simply cannot believe the things that people say to their children. "It's okay, you don't have to listen to your step-mother. She's really not your mother." "Don't worry, I'll come over in the middle of the night and take you away." "When your mother dies, you can come live with me." Talk about scaring a child! A divorce is the dissolution of a partnership. If there are no children, it can be dissolved completely. But when there are children, you have to form a limited partnership. And you've got to stop being a jerk long enough to be able to communicate with your partner to take care of the kids. It's not their fault.

I do the same work with divorcing parents that I do with couples who are trying to reconcile. Work on communication skills, giving precise messages and managing stressful emotions. I have some work cut out ahead of me on a few cases.

On a personal note, today is D1's birthday (daughter one). She's fifteen today. I have a driver's license manual I'm giving her as part of her birthday present. She's old enough to get her permit. She's earinng the grades to get her permit. She's liking boys. She is independent, logical and making good decisions about her life. And it seems like yesterday that she was born.

Amazing how fast the years go by.... Happy Birthday, honey!

Thursday, November 13, 2003

A day off!

For years I've taken Thursdays off (part of the privilege of being your own boss, calling your own schedule!) Thursdays have been haven days for me; a more relaxed schedule, the ability to go into the city if I choose, the ability to clean my house with only the animals around and not the children. The ability to take my turn car-pooling.

My ability to carpool is somewhat limited these days. I am no longer driving the standard issue mom-mobile. Yes, I dared to risk being outed by the soccer moms of my town. I stopped driving the mini-van. First of all, my kids never played soccer. Gymnastics, basketball, violin lessons, piano lessons, dance classes, flute lessons were all on my agenda. No soccer. Second, I don't vote like that soccer mom demographapic. So, two months ago, I bought a Bug. Yes, a Beetle. Dark blue. Sun roof. (The convertible was a wish, but not a practical one. Too much rain/snow/cold here.)

It's amazing how I've gone from 'average mom' to 'cool mom' with the purchase of just one vehicle and the addition of two fake flowers in a bud vase. Everyone wants to ride in the DW (the name of my Bug, all Bugs have to be named, I'm told.) It's so cool to be cool!

And yes, Bug people are a pretty tight knit community. We wave at each other. We have web boards where we share information, names, ways to make our Bugs look better. There are even get togethers where Bug people and Bug cars meet and drive in a row.

We did that with minivans too, I guess. But we called it 'picking the kids up from school.'