One and a half...
Published on November 17, 2003 By MsShrink In Personal Relationships
... times per week the average married American couple is engaging in sexual intercourse. Hmmmmm.... I guess as a couples therapist I see it being more like one and a half times per century! Lack of physical intimacy is one of the signs of a marriage in peril. Lack of physical intimacy almost always is a result of lack of emotional intimacy. Rebalance the emotional intimacy -- everyone is a happy camper.

Emotional intimacy is really quite simple to establish. Pretend like you care. You might not even have to really care, although it helps significantly if you do. Things to do to bolster intimacy:
1) Use statements when listening like ... "oh I agree!" "that must have made you (insert emotion)" Agree, support, validate.... you don't always need to solve or critique.
2) Make time each day to talk to each other, even if it is for five minutes by phone. In this time, just connect. Ask about the other person's work/life.
3) Touch when talking. Connect physically as well as emotionally. Remember touch does not equal grope. Groping comes later!

I'm not like the average therapist who says.... "go home and spend half an hour talking per day." I very often give the homework assignment... "go home and make love at least once this week." Often times, that is really difficult for my clients -- the anger, hurt, distancing is so great that it is difficult to broach that vulnerability of making onesself physically available. I also prescribe having fun on a regular basis. Fun can mean sex; but it can also mean doing things together. We forget to have fun as couples.

Have fun as a couple soon. Post what you've done that was fun. It's always great to see other people's ideas!

Comments
on Nov 17, 2003
Great article!
on Nov 18, 2003
I recently read something... beats me where... about the differences between male and female communication that related to that, and I think since I'm still obsessed with the whole blogging thing I'll write an article on it.

Anyways great article.
on Nov 18, 2003
Being a working woman, I find it difficult at times to keep the communication gates open. I wake up and bring the kids to school, get ready for work, work, come home and do some chores, watch television/get on the computer for 30 minutes then head to bed. Where does hubby fit in?

I have been married for close to 7 years now, and we have been together for over 11 years. We experienced a rough time several years back, as I'm sure all couples may. These days, I like to think of us as a more "matured" couple. So, we talk. I'll call him if he's working and I'm off, he calls me at work if he's off and so forth. When I'm in my car on the way home I'll call him and we'll talk until I'm 10 minutes from arriving home. As you mentioned in your article, it's easier to be sexually intimate if good, plain intimacy comes first.

I'm not sure if this works for anybody, but it has worked for me in the past: Think about what you would feel like if the other person wasn't there anymore. Now, this may not work for someone who's extremely upset with the other party...they may think, "I'd be happy!!!!" But choose a time when you're driving to work or home from somewhere. Think about how different your life would be if the other person wasn't there to confide in, to laugh with, to experience the joy along with you in raising your children together, or even something as simple as watching a movie together and laughing. Think about how you would feel...this has helped me in the past to realize how much my husband means to me and our children. It has helped me to realize that I really am in love with him, and he is the one that I chose for a reason. After realizing how important and special a person is, I think it is much easier to share yourself intimately with that person.

I hope this helps someone!!
on Nov 18, 2003
TexasNurse2:

Your communication style is very much like mine and my husband's. I know what his stressors are; he knows mine. I know what he's excited about; he knows what's exciting to me in my career/interests. What you write about looking at life without your partner is excellent -- you've got the right idea going to have a successful marriage and a fun and fulfilling partnership!

And thanks to all for the positive comments!

on Nov 18, 2003
One and a half times??? Sounds like the average american male needs to see a doctor about that little "pre mature" problem of not completing the second round
on Nov 18, 2003
Idea of something fun to do together:

My husband and I played paintball together with a bunch of friends. It was a blast! You get to learn new things about yourself, your spouse and you friends.

I think the practice of thinking about what life would be like without your spouse is very wise. Although I think it is very useful when you are mad if you can still be honest with yourself. I have a very active imagination so the thought of not being with my husband quickly brings things into prospective for me.

I do think that women underestimate the importance of sex for men and men underestimate the importance of emotional support for women.